Emotional Intelligence

April 25, 2016

Are You Likable?

I want to be liked. I think that everyone wants to be liked. Do you want to be liked?

The question today is this: Do we need to be liked to be an effective leader?

[shareable cite=”Kevin Bowser” text=”Do we need to be liked to be an effective leader? #lvllc”]Do we need to be liked to be an effective leader?[/shareable]

I am going to speak from a male perspective today. If you are a female, read on. It may be insightful for you to further see how men think and process information. But I am speaking today from a male viewpoint.

What is that point of view?

There is something inside a man that longs for respect. And I think that many, if not most men would choose respect over love if they had to make such a choice. So, what do we do with that reality? Continue reading “Are You Likable?”

March 24, 2016

Listening To An Old Soundtrack

Every one of us has a soundtrack playing inside our head. It is a recording of the things that people have said to us over the years. For many of us, we remember what was said to us and just how it made us feel at the time. We remember it like it was yesterday. We seem to remember those events even though we long to forget them.

Many things that were said to us make us sad. Some of them make us mad. Many of them were hurtful at the time.

What does this have to do with leadership?

As a leader, it is important to remember the role that we play in our follower’s lives. In many teams or project situations, we find that we spend much more time with our workmates than we do with our families. Continue reading “Listening To An Old Soundtrack”

January 25, 2016

Are You Emotionally Elite?

Emotional Intelligence coaching has played a very significant role in my overall leadership development process. I am always looking for new information and new research in this area. Often, I get introduced to new words and terminology. Yesterday, I came across a new phrase — emotionally elite.

There is much more to be learned about emotionally elite leaders. Unfortunately, the word “elite” has some negative connotations. For many of us, this goes against our nature. We are not comfortable referring to ourselves as elite. Nevertheless, consider the word “elite” devoid of the braggadocios or the conceited way that we often see it used.

So, what does it mean to be “emotionally elite”?

After doing some research online and in some academic circles, I can report to you that there is still not a lot of material available with keywords “emotional” and “elite” used in combination. And some of the links that I followed took me to a well disguised online dating site. (Unfortunately, now some 39-year-old woman from the Ukraine wants to be my “friend”.) So, I need to be a little more careful in my research!

What are some common characteristics of emotionally elite leaders? Consider these five characteristics of those who are emotionally elite. Continue reading “Are You Emotionally Elite?”

October 26, 2015

Let the record clearly state that I firmly believe that Emotional Intelligence is “All that” and even more. In fact, I have written much on this topic and I remain committed to bringing EI coaching and consulting to those organizations and individuals that want to maximize their potential across all facets of life.

Leaders with high Emotional Intelligence are valued across the board by their organizations. But does that mean that there are no drawbacks or points to ponder where EI is concerned? No, I believe that there are some things to heed in the midst of embracing the benefits.

Many Times It Seems “Feelings-Based”

Effective leaders with high levels of emotional intelligence also often have to achieve a higher level of self-control over their emotions than typical employees. As important as the “gut feeling” that is discussed in much of the commentary on Daniel Goleman’s work is to the basics of EI study, one cannot ignore the connection between the “gut” and the “brain”. In many situations where most employees may get by with a feelings-first approach, leaders must do what’s right rather than what feels good at the moment or is the popular decision to make. Continue reading “Emotional Intelligence”

May 28, 2015

Anger and Emotional Intelligence

Can you be considered “Emotionally Intelligent” and still get angry? I had to consider that possibility following a conversation with a really dear friend yesterday. Up to that point my knee-jerk answer would have been “No.”

Now, I am not so sure about that. In fact, I think you can be emotionally intelligent and still get angry. Consider for a few moments the nature of “anger.”

Anger is a truly powerful emotion. It can be used either in productive ways or it can be used counter-productive ways. It is sort of like electricity. It can light, heat, or cool our homes. It can also electrocute you. In and of itself it is neither positive nor negative. It just is.

Here are few more things to consider about anger:

Anger is a powerful survival tool
Anger is a response to a stimulus (physical or psychological)
Anger is a source of energy
Anger is a secondary or a response emotion

Continue reading “Anger and Emotional Intelligence”

May 6, 2015

EI Outside the Workplace

I spent a great deal of time earlier in the week extolling the virtues of Emotional Intelligence in the workplace. And I still believe there is a significant need for and benefit from increasing our EI/EQ and using that increased knowledge and wisdom in the workplace.

But, let me attempt to make a compelling case, and in fact a greater case, for emotional intelligence outside the office and in the home.

Consider the Emotionally Intelligent Husband

The emotionally intelligent husband is a step above the husband who is not aware of his emotional intelligence nor has he raised his emotional intelligence. What defines an emotionally intelligent husband is one who has figured out a secret to marriage that other husbands haven’t yet. That little secret, although it is actually pretty elementary, can actually be pretty difficult to develop because it requires him to become more aware of his wife and her needs. And this is contrary to human nature and a pop culture that says that it is all about me.

Like many husbands, the emotionally intelligent husband has learned to respect and honor his wife. But here is where the EI husband separates himself from the others. Continue reading “EI Outside the Workplace”

May 4, 2015

EI and the Collaborative Work Environment

Look. I am here to do a job. I am not here to make nice with everyone.

Have you ever heard that? Have you ever said that? If so, you are probably not alone. But you are also probably a little out of touch with today’s work environment.

Gone are the days when you came to work, closed your office door and went about your daily tasks in the quiet and solitude of your office. Gone are the days when you only ventured out of your office to go to the coffee machine and bathroom. Today’s new office environment is about “Collaboration”. And collaboration is not a solo activity. It is team sport.

The old adage about leaving your emotions at the door before stepping into the office is dead, according to a recent study from the University of Bonn. Published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior in November 2014, the study showed individuals who displayed emotional intelligence—the ability to discern other people’s emotions—were more likely to bring home a bigger paycheck than their emotionally-stunted colleagues. In other words, those that are able to collaborate successfully and positively with their colleagues may be more financially successful.

The New Collaborative Workplace Is Different

There was a certain level of cooperation needed in the manufacturing economy of the past. But that economy was focused on productivity, efficiency, and was largely solo driven work an assembly line. These days collaboration and teamwork are emphasized—making emotional intelligence more important in the workplace. Continue reading “EI and the Collaborative Work Environment”

April 12, 2015

7 Traits of Highly Likable Leaders

I recently opined on the subject of “likability and capability.” From some of those thoughts you may have drawn the conclusion that being likable is not something for which you should strive. That is not the case at all.

Likability is a trait that can be developed. Far too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that being likable comes from natural, unteachable traits that belong only to a fortunate few—the good looking, the fiercely social, and the incredibly talented. It’s easy to fall prey to this misconception. In reality, being likable is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence (EI/EQ).

Consider the following traits of highly likable leaders:

Likable Leaders Smile – People are naturally somewhat relaxed by the smile of the person that is speaking to them. If you want people to like you, smile at them during a conversation and they will have a tendency to return the favor. But use your real smile. Not the one you used for your school pictures in elementary school!

Likable Leaders Leave a Strong First Impression – Research shows most people decide whether or not they like you within the first seconds of meeting you. They do not even take an entire minute to make that decision. But do not fear. Just do the things that you mother taught you when you were growing up. Stand up straight, smile (we covered that above), extend your hand for a warm and firm handshake and then look them in the eye with kindness in your own eyes.

Likable Leaders Greet People by Name – Your name is an essential part of your identity, and it feels terrific to you on an emotional level when people use it to address you. Likable leaders make certain they use others’ names every time they greet them. But don’t just use someone’s name only when you greet him. Make it a natural part of your conversation with them following the greeting.

Likable Leaders Ask Questions – The biggest mistake people make when it comes to listening is that they are so focused on what they are going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them that they fail to hear what’s being said. A simple way to avoid this is talk less and to ask a lot of questions. I first learned this trait from my father-in-law. He was a master at asking the right question at the right time.

Likable Leaders Don’t Seek Attention – Most people avoid those who are desperate for attention. No one like a drama king / queen. Likability and extrovert are not synonymous terms. When you speak in a calming, friendly, confident, and concise manner, you will notice that people are much more attracted to you, attentive to your message, and approachable.

Likable Leaders Know When To Be Transparent – Likable leaders let the other person guide the timing of when it’s the right time to open up. Sometimes we can be too transparent too quickly. But don’t hold everything back. Opening up to others in confidence will give them the signal that they can open up to you.

Likable Leaders Put Away Their iPhones and Androids – This is a tough one. And developing good smartphone etiquette will really enhance your likability. Nothing will turn someone off to you like a mid-conversation text message or even a repeated quick glance at your phone. People can tell when you are checking the time on your phone and when you are really more concerned about your email than you are about them. When you are in a conversation, be fully in it. This is a key one for many to grasp and apply to personal relationships as well.

There are times and situations when emergencies arise. Develop a “signal” with family members and loved ones. Two quick calls from my family means they really need me. And I have had to step away from someone or a small group conversation to respond to an urgent message.

How about you?

Are you a likable leader? How many of these traits come easy to you? Do any of them sound too hard to develop? Each of these are simple behaviors that you can work on and become more proficient. And when you do, you likability will go sky high!

Photo credit: CarbonNYC [in SF!] / Foter / CC BY

November 24, 2014

Does It Pay To Be Emotionally Intelligent?

Would you agree with me that the ability to “read” people would be a handy skill to have? According to a recent paper in the Journal of Organizational Behavior, if you’re good at discerning other people’s emotions, you are probably bringing home a bigger paycheck than your emotionally challenged co-workers and colleagues.

Now, I am not suggesting that money is the greatest motivator. In fact, studies have shown that money is a terrible long-term motivator with affects being seen for only the briefest of time. But money (income) does affect our actions and behaviors.

Recently, some researchers from the University of Bonn in Germany showed a group of study volunteers a series of images and voice recordings and asked them to identify the emotions being expressed. “On average, the participants succeeded in 77 percent of the cases,” lead author Gerhard Blickle, a psychology professor at the university, said in the press release. “People who succeeded in 87 percent of the cases were considered to be good, and people who succeeded in more than 90 percent of the cases were considered really good. Those below 60 percent, in contrast, were seen as not so good in recognizing emotions.”

Blickle and colleagues also sought information about the careers of their study participants, including basic facts like income along with more subjective information gathered from interviews with people who worked with the participants. Those who scored higher on the emotions task were also rated as more socially skilled by their colleagues and supervisors, and they tended to make more money than people who scored lower on the emotion-reading task.

I believe that the finding makes intuitive sense. People who are more socially adept are usually more adept at navigating the work environment and keeping the “boss” happy. At any rate, this work suggests that it literally pays to be emotionally intelligent.

So what is the leadership lesson from this study? Continue reading “Does It Pay To Be Emotionally Intelligent?”

October 7, 2014

Leaders Encourage Vigorous Debate

Great leaders know how to focus on the positive, helpful, edifying and uplifting communication while managing the negative, destructive, decisive and demeaning communication in meetings.

Consider this advice from a seasoned old-timer to a young leader who was still early in his leadership career. It happens to be from the New Testament of the Bible.

“But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.”

Titus 3:9-10

Have you ever been in a meeting that digressed and evolved into almost a free-for-all? As a contrast, have you ever been in a team meeting where the leader encouraged good debates and successfully squashed useless ones?

Such well-managed teams tend to finish their meetings with good plans and they do it on time. The participants feel productive and actually like getting together because everyone feels like they were a part of something productive.

But, back to my brief Biblical text. The Apostle Paul (the old-timer) exhorted a pastor (young leader) named Titus to refrain from arguing about peripheral subjects that divided his followers. And I think that advice is relevant to leadership principles today.

There is a branch of modern communication theory that seems to have grown out of the apostle Paul’s philosophy. In 1968, Sir Charles Geoffrey Vickers, an English lawyer, administrator, writer, and pioneering systems scientist introduced the concept of “appreciative systems”, which later became Appreciative Inquiry (AI). It was really further developed nearly 20 years later at Case Western Reserve University’s department of Organizational Behavior. It started there with an article in 1987 by David Cooperrider and Suresh Srivastva. They felt that the overuse of “problem solving” as a model often held back analysis and understanding, focusing on problems and limiting discussion of new organizational models. At its core, AI is positive debate that explores what an organization does well and how it can build on its strengths.

As leaders it’s sometimes difficult to limit discussion and keep debates from getting out of control. Continue reading “Leaders Encourage Vigorous Debate”